The oneshot dumping-ground
by Pinefresh65
Summary: A collection of oneshots that are all requests I've gotten on Tumblr. Some shipping, some crack, but there's reasonable variety. Will be updated as I write more. Enjoy.
1. The Anti-Dong Zhuo Coalition

The various leaders of the anti-Dong Zhuo coalition are gathered together in a war meeting. It's about two in the morning, and while there is a lot of big talk being thrown around, not much is actually getting done.

Yuan Shao is standing at the head of the group, trying to make himself sound like the noble, fearless leader he is clearly not, trying to assert his authority using big hand gestures and even bigger words. "We can no longer let Dong Zhuo's tyranny go unmitigated! We must expatriate him from his pestiferous rule with all due haste!"

"…and yet here we are." The long-suffering Cao Cao drones under his breath. Sun Jian, who is sitting next to him, tries his hardest not to laugh.

"I'm not sure it's a good idea to use words your generals can't even understand when holding a war meeting." Sun Jian (who's not the most prestigiously educated man in the room) mumbles so only Cao Cao can hear him. "But I'm guessing he's saying the exact same thing he said last war meeting, and the one before that… and the one before that."

Cao Cao makes an irritated noise, "You would be correct."

"Maybe he thinks that if he smack talks Dong Zhuo enough, his head will just fly off his shoulders in shame." Sun Jian smirks and Cao Cao allows himself a small smile as well.

Yuan Shao raises his voice and stomps closer to the two of them. "You two down the back there! In case you haven't noticed, this is a war meeting! If you don't take this seriously, all our hard-won progress will be undone!" Cao Cao can't help but notice how fewer syllables he uses when his speech isn't rehearsed. "I would expect as much from a commoner such as yourself, Sun… whatever your name is," He brushes aside Sun Jian when he can't remember his name, "but I expect better from you, Cao Cao."

Cao Cao bites back a retort about how it was technically _Sun Jian's_ hard-won progress, but instead goes for sarcastic flattery. "We were only admiring your eloquent diction, Grand Commander." He bows slightly where he is seated, and Sun Jian takes the hint.

"Yes my lord, I was _agonizing_ about how I, a _filthy_ commoner, could never aspire to the heights you have reached." Sun Jian decorates his speech with over-exaggerated hand gestures in a clear mockery of Yuan Shao, bowing his head as well after he is finished speaking. Across the room, Liu Bei has his head in his hands, and his shoulders are shaking with silent laughter.

Yuan Shao doesn't look convinced for a moment, but Cao Cao and Sun Jian give him their most sincere smiles, and if Yuan Shao is good at anything, it's taking undeserved compliments.

They are saved regardless by the appearance of a cloaked woman at the door. She walks in so silently that Yuan Shao doesn't notice her until he turns to take his position at the head of the room again and makes him jump in surprise. "What? How did you get past the guards!?"

Guan Yu tones in from beside Liu Bei. "You forgot to set a guard roster, O _Grand Commander_."

The woman takes off the hood of her cloak to reveal an extremely beautiful young face. Zhang Fei lets out a low whistle that is cut off when Liu Bei elbows him hard. The woman pointedly ignores the trio.

"My name is Wang Diaochan. I'm a…" she searches for the word for a moment "I'm a maid who works for Dong Zhuo."

Most of the men in the room realise this is a euphemism, but have the tact to not ask questions. Zhang Fei is not most men.

"So you mean you're one of Dong Zhuo's slu- oof!" He's cut off again as Liu Bei elbows him even harder than last time.

"An enemy come to our camp?! Guards, seize her!" Yuan Shao shrieks.

"There _are no guards_." One of the warlords in the room grumbles.

Cao Cao cuts over the various groans coming from those assembled. "What is your reason for coming here?"

"To give you information –"

Before she can continue, however; Yuan Shao cuts her off, desperate to be the one controlling the situation. "Nonsense! You are obviously here to spread misinformation, or to assassinate me! Somebody take her outside and execute her!"

"I volunteer!" Sun Jian leaps out of his seat, causing everyone in the room to stare at him. "Um, I mean… because, of course, executing enemy spies is a job that is, er…"

"unbefitting" Cao Cao whispers.

"-unbefitting of the many noble men gathered here." He gestures specifically at Yuan Shao. "As but a lowly commoner, I volunteer to take upon myself this… gruesome duty."

Cao Cao stands and grabs Diaochan by the arm. "I will accompany them to ensure that the job is done right, and the prisoner does not escape." He turns to Yuan Shao with a smile "Please do continue the meeting without us."

The two escort Diaochan outside, almost dragging her in their hurry. They take her around behind one of the tents where nobody would disturb them and Cao Cao begins questioning her. "What information do you have?"

She seems strangely at ease despite the fact that they, two enemy generals, had just dragged her into a dark corner of the camp after volunteering to execute her. "In a matter of days Dong Zhuo plans to relocate the capital to Chang'an, taking the emperor, the government, and all the citizens of Luoyang with him."

"What?" The idea is absurd. "You don't expect me to believe that he would try to relocate the entire city."

She shrugs. "Whether you believe me or not is up to you, but that is his plan."

Sun Jian turns to Cao Cao with a slight frown, "If he's desperate enough, he'll try anything." He doesn't look entirely convinced, but he's chewing on his lip thoughtfully as he considers the possibility.

"Do you have a plan, Sun Jian?" Cao Cao asks, noting how Diaochan perks up slightly at the mention of Sun Jian's name.

"I'm afraid not. I don't have enough men as it is, and I doubt anyone here will lend me any." Neither of them are convinced Diaochan is telling the truth anyway, so they would have to hope for the best.

Diaochan speaks up again, a light but sinister smile decorating her features. "Plans to remove Dong Zhuo are already in motion, so there is really no need to endanger yourselves unnecessarily." Her expression suddenly turns serious. "Especially you, Lord Sun Jian."

Sun Jian smiles and brushes off the warning. "I appreciate your concern, ma'am, but I'm not afraid of death."

"I'm afraid he doesn't plan to _kill_ you…" She fidgets with the sleeves of her cloak, clearly uncomfortable. "It's um… worse than that."

Cao Cao, who had spent some time in the capital and met Dong Zhuo in person on a few occasions thinks he knows what she's talking about. He gives Sun Jian a sympathetic look.

Sun Jian looks confused. "I'm… not afraid of torture either." He glances between Cao Cao and Diaochan, both of whom are giving him pitying looks. "What?"

"It's um… well, worse than that, too…" She searches for a delicate way to break the news to him. "I'm uh, very close to Dong Zhuo. He's a horrible man, and he's… he has quite an intense… "interest" in you."

Cao Cao helps, "…and you know how many women he's kidnapped, and what he does to them."

Sun Jian freezes and his face pales alarmingly as it dawns on him. "Nononono, you just said so yourself, he's only interested in _women_." He looks pleadingly at Cao Cao, wanting to deny this new information.

"…with one exception, apparently."

Sun Jian has a horrified expression on his face, unable to speak. Diaochan takes the opportunity to leave. "I had better go before my absence is noticed. I wish the best of luck to both of you."

"Wha- wait!" Sun Jian calls out, but she's already run off into the darkness. He groans slightly and begins chewing on his lip again.

Cao Cao raises an eyebrow at him. "What do you plan to do now?"

Sun Jian thinks for a few seconds before sighing in defeat. "I have no option but to continue fighting. I swore to help rid this land of Dong Zhuo." He grimaces at that last sentence for obvious reasons.

"Hmph, "helping" implies that you aren't the only man fighting."

Sun Jian tries to disagree. "You give me too much credit. I'm nothing without my men. Besides, there's that Guan Yu guy…"

"Who killed two foot soldiers then went around claiming he killed Hua Xiong and repelled Lu Bu when _you_ did." Cao Cao is not impressed.

Sun Jian shrugs. "Fame brings nothing but trouble; if he wants it, he can have it, but he's killed two soldiers more than anyone else in this coalition."

"Hmph, if those are the sort of standards you judge people by, then it shows the sad state of this pathetic coalition." Cao Cao wrinkles his nose in disgust. "If Dong Zhuo really is going to be dead soon, then I am no longer needed here. Sun Jian, what say you join me?"

Sun Jian chuckles, 'I have to admit it's very tempting…" He stares at the ground, still distracted. "…but we can't blindly trust the words of one of Dong Zhuo's handmaidens. Besides, I'm loyal to Yuan Shu" He smiles up at Cao Cao, who's grimacing slightly because Yuan Shu did not deserve such an officer. "Tell you what. As soon as he doesn't need me any more, or I decide to quit, I'll join you. Introduce you to the family. Something tells me you'd get along well with my second-oldest."

Cao Cao smiles "I'd like that. Until then." He gives a small wave and the two depart for the last time.


	2. Xiahou Dun x Guan Yu crack

Once upon a time the battle of Fan castle was happening. It was horrible, there was water everywhere. It was ruining the paintwork.

Xiahou Dun was on his way to the battle. Cao Cao had sent him to try rescuing the defenders of the castle who were having a bit of a rough day. However, on this one occasion… he would have to disobey orders.

Because today might be his last chance to admit his undying love for Guan Yu. The beautiful bearded man he had loved since the day they met.

He parks his horse outside the castle and swims inside. He's turning over various scenarios in his head. What if the God of War were to reject his feelings?

No, he has to stay strong. Only then would Guan-senpai notice him.

Inside the castle he meets Cao Ren, who's standing on the battlements doing nothing in particular.

He takes the stairs two at a time, "where is Guan Yu?" He blurts without greeting.

"Good to see you could make it, Lord Xiahou," Cao Ren turns to look at him "I think he's retreated to Mai castle, but Wu will take care of him. We could use your help here."

The both of them watch as Pang De slowly drifts past the castle, face-down and unmoving in the water. However, Xiahou Dun's thoughts are elsewhere. To be precise, they're in Mai castle, where Guan Yu is.

Xiahou Dun turns to Cao Ren again, and puts on the most angsty voice possible. "I'm going after Senpa- I mean, Guan Yu." He vaults off the battlements and lands squarely on the back of his horse. He rides onwards for Mai castle, shouting behind him, "and there is nothing you can do to stop me!"

Cao Ren makes absolutely no attempt to stop him.

He can't imagine what he will find when he gets to Mai castle. Guan Yu lying face down in a pool of his own blood? No, that would never happen. He'd seen the God of War in action with his own eyes. The way he would slice through even the toughest npcs with a twirl of his blade. His beard flowing in the breeze. Oh how he wants to run his fingers through that beard. His kokoro starts going doki-doki just thinking about it.

He eventually makes it to Mai castle, to see it besieged by a squad of Wubies. So he takes his horse in and lands it on the rooftop helipad. He dismounts and gets his weapon out before dashing down the stairs to the main part of the castle, where Guan Yu is waiting.

When Guan Yu sees Xiahou Dun, he immediately dashes towards him with lightning speed and swings his weapon, which is skilfully blocked by Xiahou Dun. Locking blades, the two scowl at one another, more out of habit than actual hatred – well, on Xiahou Dun's part, anyway.

Xiahou Dun takes the opportunity to examine Guan Yu. His face is a little paler than its usual tomatoey hue, and a gash on his shoulder is slowly dripping blood down his muscular arm. Damn that would make for a sexy scar.

Xiahou Dun is so distracted that Guan Yu easily breaks the deadlock and sends him stumbling back. The two stand facing each other for a few moments.

"Xiahou Dun. Do you really wish to test your skill against me?" Guan Yu's deep voice sends a shiver down Xiahou Dun's spine. _Oh my god, he's so sugoi_.

Xiahou Dun shakes his head "Guan Yu, there is something I've wanted to tell you all these years"

Guan Yu raises an eyebrow, expecting some kind of taunt. "And what would that be?"

He lowers his weapon. "I love you." He deadpans.

Guan Yu lowers his weapon as well, surprise colouring his features. Without further pause he walks closer to the other man, a softer expression on his face as he embraces him.

He holds Xiahou Dun close, gazing deep into his eyes. Guan Yu's beard is warm and soft, like kittens. The moment is so beautiful he could cry.

Guan Yu speaks, "Xiahou Dun, I-"

He's cut off as an arrow inconveniently flies in from nowhere and hits him in the back.

"GET REKT" Lü Meng yells from the battlements above them.


End file.
